Getting what you want from relationships.

               In the early 2000’s a Carlsberg beer commercial started off with the image of a man and a women in a passionate embrace.  The voice over starts off with “Who would have thought the best sex I ever had”. This was followed by a pause for dramatic effect, and some clothing being discarded, then the commercial ends with “would be with your wife.” Before it fades to black the now scantily clad couples hands are shown interlocked, wedding rings apparent. It ends with “Welcome to your Carlsberg years”.

                The commercial has stuck with me for many years not because of couple; they were the typical people one would find in a beer commercial. It stood out because it was so preposterous to me at that the best sex I would ever have would be with my wife?  Like most young men I looked at marriage as antiquated and something older people did. At beast an evolutionary mechanism designed for the raising and protection of children; or a cruel joke on the part of God.

                I recently read a book called ‘Empire of Illusion’ by Chris Hedges. In the chapter entitled ‘The Illusion of Love’ he gives a clear picture into the pornographic world.  He tell tales of women being treated in terrible ways, though none by force apparently. His conclusion was simple, the opposite sex  is to used for sex. Sex in itself is the height of intimacy in the modern world. A height many people try to climb.

                For many men it starts with porn. Porn feed the desire for sex like cola feed thirst. It starts off feeling like it’s feeding the thirst, when in actual fact it is not what your body needs, and once you body realizes this the thirst comes back all the more viciously. People who become addicted to this medium describe  themselves as climbing a ladder of sexual perversity. Initially innocent sexual images become increasingly perverse.

                Women struggle less often with porn but another medium can often confuse and mislead them just as much, and in the end be just as harmful, that medium being Hollywood.  Big movies paint a picture of romantic love that is very rarely anything akin to what love is or should be. Relationships rarely take the form of easy meetings and happy endings.  Intimacy that is not built over time is little more than thinly veiled lust, it has its place, but it wears off.

                I wish I could say I did struggle with porn. I took a different tract. I read books by men involved in the pickup artists lifestyle. In their pages I found tips and tricks to get a woman into bed. Like many I mistook the pleasure of sex for fulfillment. But like porn, or Hollywood, I was left wanting. The old adage “be careful what you wish for” became all too real for me.  It was after reading ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss that I understood how far I had fallen.

                ‘The Game’ is often criticized for its role in the further objectifying women. I didn’t get that from the book. Instead I read the stories of men who managed to get into bed with a lot of young attractive women, but the cost was that was alcoholism, suicide attempts, and various other forms of destructive behavior as these men continued to seek sex at the cost of intimacy.

                Women are no less deluded, though their delusions take them down different roads. Paris Hilton once said that “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” It’s a cute saying. The truth is though that when we build unrealistic expectations on our mate to be anything else but a partner in all of lifes adversity we rob ourselves.

                Most relationship advise is a grandiose adventure in missing the point. Men don’t want sex anymore then women want money. Yes we all want financial security, we all want a healthy sex life. But the road to getting those things is nothing to do with getting laid or living off a “jackass”. What we all want in our hearts is to find someone who can really know us, and in spite of our faults love us. It is our hearts cry for the security that comes from being deeply and truly loved. This kind of love is born of intimacy, and intimacy is born of mutual work and sacrifice together on the road of life.

                Intimacy is not like passion that one feels when they meet someone they immediately click with. Clicking is excellent but it is inherently temporary. Passion is a fire, but it’s a balm fire, not and an enduring flame. It go’s out fast, and unless you have used that time of passion to build real foundations it won’t be long before you wake up realizing you don’t love the person you are with. I would argue that you probable never loved them to begin with. Passion can be a great tool for building intimacy; it can also work feverishly against it. Much depends on the actions of the couples in its thrall. A person cannot feel passion all the time, intense emotional states dye out because our minds are not set up with the ability to maintain them. For good reason, in the throws of intense emotion our ability to perceive the world is blurred at best, blinded at worst.

                Intimacy is forged by building a life with someone. By being honest and taking risks. By suffering together, working together, struggling on goals as a couple. Be it buying that first house, to raising children, intimacy is born of long term commitment. Someone who’s love for us is based in who we are, not how we look or what we drive.  And intimacy is what we really want when we take the courage to be intimate with ourselves and look honestly at what is going on beneath the surface of our drives for sex or financial security. The greatest love stories are not told in minutes, they are told in years. But they take the courage, vulnerability, wisdom and patience.

                In the book ‘The Murder Room’ we see the danger of trying to find our way to intimacy through alternative means. The book about the real life crime solving Vidocq society tells about the stages a person goes through on the road to becoming a serial killer. For serial killers, according to the murder room, life is about getting intimacy without having to be vulnerable, which is impossible. For serial killers it often starts with porn, but it always ends in ever evolving grotesque acts of violence and murder as they seek to get the feeling of intimacy without the necessary components of time, courage, and vulnerability.

          If you’re having trouble on the road to intimacy we can help you. From tips to finding that perfect someone to repairing relationships that have gone astray. Come and see us at www.lifetoolsonline.com. And you can follow us on Twitter for daily incites and suggestions http://twitter.com/LifeToolsOnline .

Reccommended Reading:

Empire of Illusion

By: Chris Hefges

The Game

By: Neil Strauss

A word of caution:

If you're going to read this book, then read it all. It does tell the whole story of this lifestyle honestly and will introduce you to the dangerous and afective tools of this lifestlye. I do not reccomend dishonesty at anypoint in dating.

The Murder Room

By: Michael Capuzzo